Inspired by Tina Fey’s brilliant “Prayer for a daughter” from her book, Bossy pants (if you haven’t read it, get cracking!) I thought I would pen a new morning prayer, for the frazzled working moms on their daily pilgrimage to crèche/school/work.
The morning rush is definitely not for the faint hearted and no morning is complete without a daily dose of “For Fucks Sake!!” or “Sweet Jesus!!” so why not combine the natural pairing of prayer and expletives into a mother’s morning prayer:
A Mother’s Morning Prayer
Our Father, who art in heaven, let everyone sleep tight, all night,
So that mommy may be woken gently by the dulcet tones of her 6.45 am shrieking alarm, and not a moment sooner,
Hallowed be the 5 minutes of peace for mommy to shower, brush teeth, dress, do hair at the speed of light,
Hallelujah if mommy finds a pair of ladder-free tights,
Give us this day some docile, obedient children, so that the morning remains calm and tantrum free – no pukes, no fighting, no wrestling into clothes, no bribery
Let your celestial lights blind their eyes so that they do not get distracted by TV or computers,
Give us strength Lord, to lug the many, many bags of stuff to the car, but also give us the wisdom, to not forget any of the many, many bags of stuff,
Please Lord, let the gentle warm winds of heaven blow so that the car is not frozen over or covered with snow!
Deliver us Lord, a day free from planking, so that everyone jumps joyously into car seats, buckling up in jig time, and that mommy’s muscles and sweat ducts remain in their unused state.
Lead us not into Satan’s black cloud of panic and rage, but allow us to be smugly pulling out of the drive by exactly 7.46 am,
Give us no cause to shriek “For fucks sake” at a flashing fuel light, for we have no time to stop today Dear Lord,
But please do grant us at least one red light so that we may attempt some half arsed make up job before interacting with the public,
Now grant us every other green light so that we can get to work on time!!!!!!
And forgive us, as we curse at all the f***ing traffic/f***ing buses/f***ing bikes that are sent to test us. Every.Single.day!
Deliver to us Lord, the kind of independent, obedient children, who skip happily into crèche and NOT the kind who decide they love mommy waaaaaaaay too much to ever be parted from her leg.
Give us this day, our daily bread, otherwise known as a crushed granola bar in the car, while enjoying some me time, listening to Ian Dempsey and attempting to finish our make up.
Lead us not into the office, without a quick coffee pick up for a nice skinny latte , while wondering HOW the hell this has become the highlight of our day!!
And deliver us Lord, please please please, a few minutes to kill, so that we may check our phones, cry over our banking app, curse the crèche fees, the pittance of a childrens allowance and the bastard children that bleed us dry.
Then grant us the wisdom to forgive those beautiful bastard children who were sent to test us, and let us rejoice by defiantly checking our Zara app to purchase a new top, and remembering why we work……..so we can buy clothes and drink coffee!!!!!
And on with the day………………